Harry Potter and the Quest for the holy Wand 5

[imma]

Scene 5

Setting: A small village in the middle of nowhere. A group of Hufflepuffs, clad in monk-robes are walking single-file, chanting and hitting themselves stupid (well, they would be hitting themselves stupid if they weren’t already slightly intellectually challenged – oh well). The group of Hufflepuffs cross before a large gallow, were a female Knight is standing (also called Hermione), clad in a verra nice robe, all blue and white, and with those pretty small stitchings round the edge, just slightly bringing out the *SLAP* … owww. There you go again, being all domineering and mean. *pout*




HUFFLEPUFFS: [chanting] Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
[bonk – they hit themselves over the head with a copy of Lockhart’s ‘Gadding with Ghouls’]
Pie Iesu domine,...
[bonk]
...dona eis requiem.
[bonk]
Pie Iesu domine,...
[bonk]
...dona eis requiem.
[A large crowd, dragging along a stunningly beautiful witch, approaches the gallow]
MUGGLECROWD: An evil witch! An evil witch!
[bonk]
An evil witch! An evil witch!
HUFFLEPUFFS: [chanting] Pie Iesu domine...
MUGGLES: An evil witch! An evil witch! An evil witch! An evil witch! We've found an evil witch! An evil witch! An evil witch! An evil witch! An evil witch! We've got an evil witch! An evil witch! An evil witch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! We've found an evil witch! We've found an evil witch! An evil witch! An evil witch! An evil witch!
MUGGLE #1: We have found an evil witch. May we burn her?
MUGGLECROWD: Burn her! Burn! Burn her! Burn her!
HERMOINE: How do you know she is an evil witch?
MUGGLE #2: She looks like one.
MUGGLECROWD: Right! Yeah! Yeah!
HERMOINE: Bring her forward.
[The crowd pushes Narcissa up to Hermione]
NARCISSA, EVIL WITCH: I'm not an evil witch. I'm not an evil witch.
HERMOINE: Uh, but you are dressed as one.
NARCISSA: They dressed me up like this.
MUGGLECROWD: Augh, we didn't! We didn't...
NARCISSA: And this isn't my dark mark. It's a false one.
HERMOINE: Well?
MUGGLE #1: [looking a little chagrined] Well, we did do the mark.
HERMOINE: The mark?
MUGGLE #1: And the hat, but she is an evil witch!
MUGGLE #2: Yeah!
MUGGLECROWD: We burn her! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah!
HERMOINE: Did you dress her up like this?
MUGGLE #1: No!
MUGGLE #2 and 3: No. No.
MUGGLE #2: No.
MUGGLE #1: No.
MUGGLES #2 and #3: No.
MUGGLE #1: Yes.
MUGGLE #2: Yes.
MUGGLE #1: Yes. Yeah, a bit.
MUGGLE #3: A bit.
MUGGLE #1 and #2: A bit.
MUGGLE #3: A bit.
MUGGLE #1: She has got a wart.
RANDOM: [cough]
HERMOINE: What makes you think she is an evil witch?
MUGGLE #3: Well, she turned me into a newt.
HERMOINE: [looking puzzled at the perfectly human-shaped man] A newt?
MUGGLE #3: [looks down and scrapes the ground with his foot] I got better.
MUGGLE #2: Burn her anyway!
MUGGLE #1: Burn!
MUGGLECROWD: Burn her! Burn! Burn her! ...
HERMOINE: Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is an evil witch.
MUGGLE #1: Are there?
MUGGLE #2: Ah?
MUGGLE #1: What are they?
MUGGLECROWD: Tell us! Tell us!...
HERMOINE: Tell me. What do you do with witches?
MUGGLE #2: Burn!
MUGGLE #1: Burn!
MUGGLECROWD: Burn! Burn them up! Burn!...
HERMOINE: And what do you burn apart from evil witches?
MUGGLE #1: More evil witches!
MUGGLE #3: Shh!
MUGGLE #2: Wood!
HERMOINE: So, why do witches burn?
[pause]
MUGGLE #3: B--... 'cause they're made of... wood?
HERMOINE: Good! Heh heh.
MUGGLECROWD: Oh, yeah. Oh.
HERMOINE: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
MUGGLE #1: Build a bridge out of her.
HERMOINE: Ah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?
MUGGLE #1: Oh, yeah.
RANDOM: Oh, yeah. True. Uhh...
HERMOINE: Does wood sink in water?
MUGGLE #1: No. No.
MUGGLE #2: No, it floats! It floats!
MUGGLE #1: Throw her into the pond!
MUGGLECROWD: The pond! Throw her into the pond!
HERMOINE: What also floats in water?
MUGGLE #1: Bread!
MUGGLE #2: Apples!
MUGGLE #3: Uh, very small rocks!
MUGGLE #1: Cider!
MUGGLE #2: Uh, gra-- gravy!
MUGGLE #1: Cherries!
MUGGLE #2: Mud!
MUGGLE #3: Uh, churches! Churches!
MUGGLE #2: Lead! Lead!
HARRY: A duck!
MUGGLECROWD: Oooh.
HERMOINE: Exactly. So, logically...
MUGGLE #1: If... she... weighs... the same as a duck,... she's made of wood.
HERMOINE: And therefore?
MUGGLE #2: An evil witch!
MUGGLE #1: An evil witch!
MUGGLECROWD: An evil witch! An evil witch!...
MUGGLE #4: Here is a duck. Use this duck.
[quack quack quack]
HERMOINE: Very good. We shall use my largest scales.
MUGGLECROWD: Ohh! Ohh! Burn the evil witch! Burn the evil witch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Ahh! Ahh...
HERMOINE: Right. Remove the supports!
[whop – the supports are removed]
[clunk]
[creak – the scales swing into a level position with each other – Narcissa is clearly an evil witch]
MUGGLECROWD: An evil witch! An evil witch! A evil witch!
NARCISSA: [shrugs] It's a fair cop.
MUGGLE #3: Burn her!
MUGGLECROWD: Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn! Burn!..
[the crowd disappears with Narcissa, preparing to burn her].
HERMOINE: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of magic?
HARRY: I am Harry, King of the Wizards.
HERMOINE: My liege!
ARTHUR: Good Sir Knight..
HERMOINE: Lady Knight…
HARRY: Ehhh… Lady Knight, will you come with me to Hogwarts and join us at the Sorting Hat?
HERMOINE: My liege! I would be honoured.
HARRY: What is your name?
HERMOINE: 'Hermoine', my liege.
HARRY: Then I dub you 'Sir Hermoine…
HERMOINE: Lady Hermoine, sir…
HARRY: Ehhh… Lady Hermoine. Knight of the Sorting Hat

That's it for today - enjoy

And YOU! *points at mean hitting person* yes you, don't look so innocent, you know I'm talking to you. Never ever hit me again!!! *pout* Or I'll lob a hex at you and turn you into a NEWT!!!