Harry Potter and the Quest for the holy Wand 1

[imma]

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing, will never own anything and have never owned anything. This is purely for fun, no money is gained and the following characters and ideas belong to respectively Monty Python and J.K.Rowling. I only have my dreams and my filthy imagination.


HARRY POTTER AND THE HOLY WAND
*Harri Petter ik den Hølie Wanton*

Music( Orchestral Score: Dramatic)

WARNING!!!!!!: YOU MUST KNOW MONTY PYTHON’S “QUEST FOR THE HOLY GRAIL”
AND YOU MUST HAVE SEEN THE MOVIE. DO NOT - I REPEAT - DO NOT CONSUME ANY BEVERAGES OR FOODSTUFFS THAT CAN BE HARMFUL TO YOUR COMPUTER, KEYBOARD OR SCREEN, AS THE SPEW FACTOR MUST BE ASSUMED TO BE STAGGERING (I hope)





WRITTEN AND PERFORMED BY:
Monty Python (Original stuff)
J.K.Rowling (Original stuff)
Imma (Adapted stuff)

Harry Potter as King Harry (Arthur)
Ronald Weasley as Sir Ronald (Robin)
Hermoine Granger as Sir (Hey!! Lady) Hermoine (Bedevere)
Percy Weasley as Sir Percy (Launcelot)
Oliver Wood as Sir Oliver (Galahad)
Fred Weasley as Fred (Zoot)
George Weasley as George (Dingo)
Albus Dumbledore as Albus (God)
Mad Moody as Old Man/Bridge Keeper
Severus Snape as Severus the Enchanter (Tim)
Peter Pettigrew as the Black Knight
Madam Hooch as the Green Knight
Hagrid as Hagrid the Shrubber
Fluffy as Three headed Knight
Seamus as King Arthur’s ”horse” (Patsy)
Gilderoy Lockhart as Sir Percy’s “horse* (Concorde)
Narcissa Malfoy as evil witch
Lucius Malfoy as Father
Draco Malfoy as Prince Draco
Crabbe as Crabbe (Dennis)
Goyle as Goyle (Woman…hey!! Man)
Sirius Black as Head of Knights who say Ni
Remus Lupin as Brother Remus (Maynard)
Boys from Hogwarts as Boys (Castle Polyjuice and Swamp Castle)

*Røten nik Akten Di*

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WITH:

Others from Hogwarts
Including special surprise guest star Tom Riddle (oops, not a surprise anymore…)

*Wik*

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ALSO APPEARING

Several Monty Pythons

*Alsø wik*

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ALSO ALSO APPEARING

Several totally unimportant extras

*Alsø alsø wik*

*We nøt trei a høliday in Sweden this yër?*

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*See the løveli lakes*

*The wøndërful telephøne system*

*And mäni interesting fløffi animals*

*Including the majestik Hippøgrøff*

*A Hippøgrøff once bit my sister…*

*No realli! She was Karving her initials øn the Hippøgrøff with the sharpened end of an interspace tøøthbrush given her by Svenge – her brother-in-law – an Oslo dentist and star of many Norwegian møvies: “The Hot Hands of an Oslo Dentist”. “Fillings of Passion”, “The Huge Mølars of Horst Nordfink”…

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Music (Audio Slows, Drags To A Stop)

We apologise for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible have been sacked

Music (Resumes)

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*Mynd you, Hippøgrøff bites Kan be pretti nasti…*

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Music (Audio Slows, Drags To A Stop)

We apologise again for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked, have been sacked.

Music (Orchestral Score: Lush, Romantic)

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Production Manager: Imma of Denmark and surrounding Islands

Initial Idea supporters: #bic and #Rivendell, the places to be

Make up artist: Søren “Vader” of Denmark, Supreme being

Grøff trained by: Fledge “Teddy Dragon” Hermsgervørdenbøtbørda

Special Grøff effects: Gaia “Master” Prøt

Grøff costumes: Aaboe “Aalborg” Churchill

Miss Grangers Grøøf by: Badger “Swat” Høme

Grøff trained to mix concrete and
Sign complicated insurrance
forms by: Bunny “El Presidente” Wigg

Hippøgrøffs’ beaks wiped by: Hawk “Dragon Master” Irkestøm-Slater Walker

Large Hippogrøff on the left hand
side of the screen in the third scene
from the end, given a thoughrough
grounding in Latin, French and
‘O’ Level Geography by: Raven “Liverpool” Benn

Hippøgrøff feather and leather gear
care: LdyBastet “Goddess” Thatcher

Suggestive poses for the Hippøgrøff
suggested by: Desdemona “GSMotFU” Røtter

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Music (Audio Slows, Drags To A Stop)

The Directors of the film hired to continue the credits after the other people had been sacked, wish it to be known that they have just been sacked.

The credits have been completed in an entirely different style at great expence at the last minute.

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Music (Brass Combo: Latin, Upbeat)
(People laughing, Hooting)

Executive Producer

Immacolata ”GSMotFU” Møller & ”Ralph” the Wonder Llama

Assisted by

Earl Llama
Milt Q. Llama III
Sy Llama
Merle Z. Llama IX

Music (ends)
(All: Olé)

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England 932 A.D.
[opening music]
[The wind is blowing eeriely and werewolves are howling]
[clop clop clop – King Harry and his trusted servant Seamus stop in front of a castle]
KING HARRY: Whoa there!
[clop clop clop – Seamus makes nervous horse sounds]
DUDLEY: Halt! Who goes there?
[Dudley, a very fat guard of the castle looks down at the odd pair]
HARRY: It is I, Harry, son of James Potter, from the castle of Hogwarts. King of the Wizards, defeater of the Deatheaters, Sovereign of all England!
DUDLEY: Pull the other one!
HARRY: I am,... and this is my trusty servant Seamus. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Hogwarts. I must speak with your lord and master.
DUDLEY: What? Ridden on a horse?
HARRY: Yes!
DUDLEY: You're using coconuts!
HARRY: What?
DUDLEY: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.
HARRY: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through--
DUDLEY: Where'd you get the coconuts?
HARRY: We found them.
DUDLEY: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!
HARRY: What do you mean?
DUDLEY: Well, this is a temperate zone.
HARRY: The snitch may fly south with the sun or the quaffle or the bludger may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
DUDLEY: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
HARRY: Not at all. They could be carried.
DUDLEY: What? A snitch carrying a coconut?
HARRY: It could use a levitation charm!
DUDLEY: It's not a question of how it charms it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce ball could not carry a one pound coconut.
HARRY: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Harry from the Court of Hogwarts is here?
DUDLEY: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a snitch needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
HARRY: Please!
DUDLEY: Am I right?
HARRY: I'm not interested!
[Another guard, fatter than the first, joins the discussion]
VERNON: It could be carried by an African snitch!
DUDLEY: Oh, yeah, an African snitch maybe, but not a European snitch. That's my point.
VERNON: Oh, yeah, I agree with that.
HARRY: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Hogwarts?!
DUDLEY: But then of course A- A- African snitches are non-migratory.
VERNON: Oh, yeah.
DUDLEY: So, they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway.
[clop clop clop - King Harry shakes his head in despair and they 'ride' away]
VERNON: Wait a minute! Supposing two snitches carried it together?
DUDLEY: No, they'd have to have it on a line.
VERNON: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!
DUDLEY: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
VERNON: Well, why not?



That's it for today
Hope you had fun