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Harry Potter and the Quest for the holy Wand 3
SCENE 3
The setting is a large green field just below an old castle, people are wandering around, looking for food, especially cupcakes, and those nice pumpkin tarts, and ohh..the chocolate frogs are really neat, and the...
[thud - narrator is pelted with B. Bott's Everyflavor Beans]
[King Harry music]
[thud thud thud]
[King Harry music stops as Harry and Seamus come upon a person drawing a cart with cakes and cookies – looking distinctly female in spite of bodysize]
HARRY: Old woman!
CRABBE: Man!
HARRY: Man. Sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
CRABBE: I'm thirty-seven.
HARRY: I-- what?
CRABBE: I'm thirty-seven. I'm not old.
HARRY: Well, I can't just call you 'Man'.
CRABBE: Well, you could say 'Crabbe'.
HARRY: Well, I didn't know you were called 'Crabbe'.
CRABBE: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
HARRY: I did say 'sorry' about the 'old woman', but from the behind you looked--
CRABBE: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!
HARRY: Well, I am King!
CRABBE: Oh, King, eh, very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By exploiting the First-years! By 'anging on to outdated boarding school dogma which perpetuates the economic and magic differences in our society. If there's ever going to be any progress with the—
[another figure scrambles up from a pit, arms full with cupcakes]
GOYLE: Crabbe, there's some lovely cupcakes down here. Oh! How d'you do?
HARRY: How do you do, good woman…
GOYLE: Man… [looks angrily at Harry]
HARRY: Ehhh… man, I am Harry, King of the Wizards. Whose castle is that?
GOYLE: King of the who?
HARRY: The Wizards.
GOYLE: Who are the Wizards?
HARRY: Well, we all are. We are all Wizards, and I am your king.
GOYLE: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
CRABBE: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship: a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the First Years--
GOYLE: Oh, there you go bringing class into it again.
CRABBE: That's what it's all about. If only people would hear of--
HARRY: Please! Please, good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?
GOYLE: No one lives there.
HARRY: Then who is your lord?
GOYLE: We don't have a lord.
HARRY: What?
CRABBE: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive headmaster for the week,...
HARRY: Yes.
CRABBE: ...but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting...
HARRY: Yes, I see.
CRABBE: ...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,...
HARRY: Be quiet!
CRABBE: ...but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major--
HARRY: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
GOYLE: Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh.
HARRY: I am your king!
GOYLE: Well, I didn't vote for you.
HARRY: You don't vote for kings.
GOYLE: Well, how did you become King, then?
HARRY: The Dark Lord of Evil,...
[demons sing]
...his arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft a wand from Hell, signifying by Divine Curse that I, Harry, was to carry a lightning scar.
[singing stops]
That is why I am your king!
CRABBE: Listen. Strange men, pretending to be wicked, distributing scars, is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical wand-waving ceremony.
HARRY: Be quiet!
CRABBE: Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some semi-malevolent closet queen threw a forbidden curse at you!
HARRY: Shut up! [Harry shouts at Crabbe]
CRABBE: I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some depraved bloke had lobbed a hex at me, they'd put me away!
HARRY: Shut up, will you? Shut up!
Harry pushes Crabbe
CRABBE: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the school system.
HARRY: Shut up! [Harry takes hold of Crabbe and shakes him]
CRABBE: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the school system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!
HARRY: Bloody Slytherin! [Harry shakes his head, turns away and ‘rides’ on with Seamus]
CRABBE: Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you?
The setting is a large green field just below an old castle, people are wandering around, looking for food, especially cupcakes, and those nice pumpkin tarts, and ohh..the chocolate frogs are really neat, and the...
[thud - narrator is pelted with B. Bott's Everyflavor Beans]
[King Harry music]
[thud thud thud]
[King Harry music stops as Harry and Seamus come upon a person drawing a cart with cakes and cookies – looking distinctly female in spite of bodysize]
HARRY: Old woman!
CRABBE: Man!
HARRY: Man. Sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
CRABBE: I'm thirty-seven.
HARRY: I-- what?
CRABBE: I'm thirty-seven. I'm not old.
HARRY: Well, I can't just call you 'Man'.
CRABBE: Well, you could say 'Crabbe'.
HARRY: Well, I didn't know you were called 'Crabbe'.
CRABBE: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
HARRY: I did say 'sorry' about the 'old woman', but from the behind you looked--
CRABBE: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!
HARRY: Well, I am King!
CRABBE: Oh, King, eh, very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By exploiting the First-years! By 'anging on to outdated boarding school dogma which perpetuates the economic and magic differences in our society. If there's ever going to be any progress with the—
[another figure scrambles up from a pit, arms full with cupcakes]
GOYLE: Crabbe, there's some lovely cupcakes down here. Oh! How d'you do?
HARRY: How do you do, good woman…
GOYLE: Man… [looks angrily at Harry]
HARRY: Ehhh… man, I am Harry, King of the Wizards. Whose castle is that?
GOYLE: King of the who?
HARRY: The Wizards.
GOYLE: Who are the Wizards?
HARRY: Well, we all are. We are all Wizards, and I am your king.
GOYLE: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
CRABBE: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship: a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the First Years--
GOYLE: Oh, there you go bringing class into it again.
CRABBE: That's what it's all about. If only people would hear of--
HARRY: Please! Please, good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?
GOYLE: No one lives there.
HARRY: Then who is your lord?
GOYLE: We don't have a lord.
HARRY: What?
CRABBE: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive headmaster for the week,...
HARRY: Yes.
CRABBE: ...but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting...
HARRY: Yes, I see.
CRABBE: ...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,...
HARRY: Be quiet!
CRABBE: ...but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major--
HARRY: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
GOYLE: Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh.
HARRY: I am your king!
GOYLE: Well, I didn't vote for you.
HARRY: You don't vote for kings.
GOYLE: Well, how did you become King, then?
HARRY: The Dark Lord of Evil,...
[demons sing]
...his arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft a wand from Hell, signifying by Divine Curse that I, Harry, was to carry a lightning scar.
[singing stops]
That is why I am your king!
CRABBE: Listen. Strange men, pretending to be wicked, distributing scars, is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical wand-waving ceremony.
HARRY: Be quiet!
CRABBE: Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some semi-malevolent closet queen threw a forbidden curse at you!
HARRY: Shut up! [Harry shouts at Crabbe]
CRABBE: I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some depraved bloke had lobbed a hex at me, they'd put me away!
HARRY: Shut up, will you? Shut up!
Harry pushes Crabbe
CRABBE: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the school system.
HARRY: Shut up! [Harry takes hold of Crabbe and shakes him]
CRABBE: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the school system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!
HARRY: Bloody Slytherin! [Harry shakes his head, turns away and ‘rides’ on with Seamus]
CRABBE: Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you?