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This is an ex-parrot...


Scene 12

OLD MAN MOODY: Heh, hee ha ha hee hee! Hee hee hee ha ha ha...
HARRY: And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the Wand?
OLD MAN MOODY: ...Ha ha ha ha! Heh, hee ha ha hee! Ha hee ha! Ha ha ha ha...
HARRY: Where does he live?
OLD MAN: ...Heh heh heh heh...
HARRY: Old man, where does he live?
OLD MAN: ...Hee ha ha ha. He knows of a cave, a cave which no man has entered.
HARRY: And the Wand. The Wand is there?
OLD MAN: There is much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed.
HARRY: But the Wand! Where is the Wand?!
OLD MAN: Seek you the Bridge of Death.
HARRY: The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Wand?
OLD MAN: Heh, hee hee hee hee! Ha ha ha ha ha! Hee ha ha...

Scene 13

[spooky music]
[music stops]
HEAD KNIGHT OF NI, SIRIUS BLACK: Ni!
KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
HARRY: Who are you?
SIRIUS BLACK: We are the Knights Who Say... 'Ni'!
RANDOM: Ni!
HARRY: No! Not the Knights Who Say 'Ni'!
SIRIUS: The same!
HERMOINE: Who are they?
SIRIUS: We are the keepers of the sacred words: 'Ni', 'Peng', and 'Neee-wom'!
RANDOM: Neee-wom!
HARRY: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale.
SIRIUS: The Knights Who Say 'Ni' demand a sacrifice.
HARRY: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travellers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.
SIRIUS: Ni!
KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!...
HARRY: Ow! Ow! Ow! Agh!
SIRIUS: We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us.
HARRY: Well, what is it you want?
SIRIUS: We want... a shrubbery!
[dramatic chord]
HARRY: A what?
KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
HARRY and PARTY: Ow! Oh!
HARRY: Please! Please! No more! We will find you a shrubbery.
SIRIUS: You must return here with a shrubbery, or else, you will never pass through this wood... alive.
HARRY: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery.
SIRIUS: One that looks nice.
HARRY: Of course.
SIRIUS: And not too expensive.
HARRY: Yes.
SIRIUS: Now... go!

Cartoon

[trumpets]
CARTOON CHARACTER: Hmm hmm--
[boom]
Oh! Great Merlin! Hm. Hmm.
[boom]
Hm! Hmm. [mumble mumble mumble - the character start walking down all those moving stairs, grumbling and mumbling discontentedly]
[boom]
[mumble mumble mumble]
[boom]
[mumble mumble mumble]
[boom]
[mumble mumble mumble]
[boom]
[mumble mumble mumble]
[boom]
[mumble mumble mumble]
[boom]
[mumble mumble mumble]
[boom]
[mumble mumble mumble]
[boom]
Ohh!
[crash]
[mumble mumble mumble]
[boom]
SUN: Ay, up! Thsss.
[boom - the clouds jump and land]
Ayy, up!
[boom - the sun jumps and lands]
Thsss.
[boom- the clouds jump and land]
Ayy, up!
CARTOON CHARACTER: Stop that! Stop that!
[boom - the sun jumps and lands]
SUN: Ay, up!
CARTOON CHARACTER: Stop that!
[boom - the clouds jump and land]
Look on! Clear off! Go on! Go away! Go away! Go away! And you! Clear off!
[sniff - the clouds sniffle a bit, but then leave silently]
SUN: [mumble mumble mumble - the sun grumbles angrily as it disappears beneath the horizon]
[bells]
CARTOON CHARACTER: Hah. Bloody weather.

Scene 14

NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Percy.
LUCIUS MALFOY: One day, lad, all this will be yours!
PRINCE DRACO: What, the curtains?
LUCIUS: No. Not the curtains, lad. All that you can see, stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad.
DRACO: But Mother--
LUCIUS: Father, lad. Father.
DRACO: B-- b-- but Father, I don't want any of that.
LUCIUS: Listen, lad. I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So, I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp, but the fourth one... stayed up! And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the strongest castle in these islands.
DRACO: But I don't want any of that. I'd rather--
LUCIUS: Rather what?!
DRACO: I'd rather...
[music]
...just... sing! [Draco gets ready to sing...]
LUCIUS: Stop that! Stop that! You're not going into a song while I'm here. Now listen, lad. In twenty minutes, you're getting married to a boy whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.
DRACO: B-- but I don't want land.
LUCIUS: Listen, Dorothy,--
DRACO: Draco.
LUCIUS: Draco. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get.
DRACO: But-- but I don't like him.
LUCIUS: Don't like him?! What's wrong with him! He's beautiful. He's rich. He's got a huge... tract o' land!
DRACO: I know, but I want the-- the boy that I marry to have...
[music]
...a certain,... special... something! [Draco gets ready to sing]
LUCIUS: Cut that out! Cut that out! Look, you're marrying Prince Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea!
[smack - Lucius slaps Draco's arse]
Guards! Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him.
SLYTHERIN #1: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.
SLYTHERIN #2: Hic!
LUCIUS: No, no. Until I come and get him.
SLYTHERIN #1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
LUCIUS: No, no. No. You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave.
SLYTHERIN #1: And you'll come and get him.
SLYTHERIN #2: Hic!
LUCIUS: Right.
SLYTHERIN #1: We don't need to do anything apart from just stop him entering the room.
LUCIUS: No, no. Leaving the room.
SLYTHERIN #1: Leaving the room. Yes.
[sniff]
LUCIUS: All right?
SLYTHERIN #1: Right.
SLYTHERIN #2: Hic!
LUCIUS: Right.
SLYTHERIN #1: Oh, if-- if-- if, uhh-- if-- if-- w-- ehh-- i-- if-- if we--
LUCIUS: Yes? What is it?
SLYTHERIN #1: Oh, i-- if-- i-- oh--
LUCIUS: Look, it's quite simple.
SLYTHERIN #1: Uh...
LUCIUS: You just stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. All right?
SLYTHERIN #2: Hic!
LUCIUS: Right.
SLYTHERIN #1: Oh, I remember. Uhh, can he leave the room with us?
LUCIUS: N-- no, no. No. You just keep him in here and make sure he--
SLYTHERIN #1: Oh, yes. We'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he had to leave and we were with him--
LUCIUS: No, no, no, no. Just keep him in here--
SLYTHERIN #1: Until you or anyone else--
LUCIUS: No, not anyone else. Just me.
SLYTHERIN #1: Just you.
SLYTHERIN #2: Hic!
LUCIUS: Get back.
SLYTHERIN #1: Get back.
LUCIUS: All right?
SLYTHERIN #1: Right. We'll stay here until you get back.
SLYTHERIN #2: Hic!
LUCIUS: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.
SLYTHERIN #1: What?
LUCIUS: Make sure 'e doesn't leave.
SLYTHERIN #1: The Prince?
LUCIUS: Yes. Make sure 'e doesn't leave.
SLYTHERIN #1: Oh, yes, of course.
SLYTHERIN #2: Hic!
SLYTHERIN #1: Ah. I thought you meant him. You know, it seemed a bit daft me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.
LUCIUS: Is that clear?
SLYTHERIN #2: Hic!
SLYTHERIN #1: Oh, quite clear. No problems.
LUCIUS: Right. Where are you going?
SLYTHERIN #1: We're coming with you.
LUCIUS: No, no. I want you to stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave.
SLYTHERIN #1: Oh, I see. Right.
DRACO: But Father!
LUCIUS: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on!
[music, Draco gets ready to sing]
And no singing!
SLYTHERIN #2: Hic!
LUCIUS: Oh, go and get a glass of water.
[clank - Lucius leaves]
[Draco looks innocently at the guards, who only smile benevolently at him. He quickly scribbles a note, binds it to an arrow with a nice red ribbon, you know, one of those silken ribbons, that feel like water when they flow over your skin, and ... GET ON WITH IT!!!! ... ok ok, no need to shout...ok...Draco shoots the arrow out the window and looks innocently at the guards again]
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