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Cartoon

CARTOON HUFFLEPUFFS: [chanting and walking in single-file] Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
CARTOON HUFFLEPUFF: Heh heh heeh ooh...
[twang – A hufflepuff walks onto a plank over a lake ]
CARTOON HUFFLEPUFFS: [chanting] Pie Iesu domine,...
CARTOON HUFFLEPUFF: Wayy!
[splash - the Hufflepuff just jumped on the plank and disappeared into the deep waters]
Ho ho. Woa, wayy!
[twang - another Hufflepuff]
[splash]
Heh heh heh heh ho! Heh heh heh!
CARTOON HUFFLEPUFFS: [chanting] ...dona eis requiem.
CARTOON HUFFLEPUFF: Wayy!
[twang - yet another is lost to the Giant Squid]
Wayy!
[twang - and another (are they bloody daft???)]
VOICE: [whispering] Forgive me, for I have sinned.
CARTOON CHARACTER: Oh! Oooo.



SCENE 11

[trumpets]
NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Oliver.
[boom - Sir Oliver is fighting his way through malicious undergrowth, slashing away at bushes and small trees]
[wind]
[howl]
[howl]
[boom]
[angels singing - Sir Oliver sees the Holy Wand on top of a large castle. He begins to move towards the castle]
[howl]
[boom]
[howl]
[boom]
[pound pound pound - Sir Oliver knocks imploringly on the heavy door]
OLIVER: Open the door! Open the door!
[pound pound pound]
In the name of King Harry, open the door!
[creak - the door opens]
[thump]
[creak - Sir Oliver goes inside]
[boom]
BOYS: Hello!

FRED: Welcome, gentle Sir Knight. Welcome to Castle Bubotupor Pus.

OLIVER: The Bubotupor Pus Castle?

FRED: Yes. Oh, it's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice and we will attend to your every, every need!

OLIVER: You are the keepers of the Holy Wand?

FRED: The what?

OLIVER: The Wand. It is here. [Sir Oliver looks frantically around]

FRED: Oh, but you are tired and you must rest awhile. Adrian! Mordechai!

ADRIAN and MORTECHAI: Yes, O Fred?

FRED: Prepare a bed for our guest.

ADRIAN and MORDECHAI: Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!...

FRED: Away! Away, varletesses. The beds here are warm and soft and very, very big.

OLIVER: Well, look, I-- I, uh--

FRED: What is your name, handsome knight? [Fred smiles innocently at Oliver, all the while he oggles the knights body]

OLIVER: 'Sir Oliver... the Chaste'.

FRED: Mine is 'Fred'. Just 'Fred'. Oh, but come.

OLIVER: Look, please! In God's name, show me the Wand!

FRED: Oh, you have suffered much. You are delirious.

OLIVER: No, look. I have seen it! It is here in this--

FRED: Sir Oliver! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.

OLIVER: Well, I-- I, uh-- [Oliver is lead to a large bed by Fred]

FRED: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life: bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear and inventing wondrous charms. We are just not used to handsome knights. Nay. Nay. Come. Come. You may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!

OLIVER: No, no. It's-- it's nothing. [Oliver is pushed down on the bed]

FRED: Oh, you must see the medi-wizards immediately! No, no, please! Lie down.
[clap clap - Fred summons the 'medi-wizards']

DEAN: Well, what seems to be the trouble?

OLIVER: They're doctors?! [Oliver tries to get up, but can't]

FRED: Uh, they... have a basic medi-witch training, yes.

OLIVER: B-- but--

FRED: Oh, come. Come. You must try to rest. Doctor Dean! Doctor Neville! Practise your art.

NEVILLE: Try to relax. [Dean and Neville begin to remove Oliver's garments]

OLIVER: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary? [Oliver tries to stop them]

DEAN: We must examine you. [Dean bats Oliver's hand away and resumes undoing Oliver's leggings]

OLIVER: There's nothing wrong with that! [Oliver puts a shield over his leggings and glares]

DEAN: Please. We are medi-wizards.

OLIVER: Look! This cannot be. I am sworn to chastity. [Oliver jumps out of the bed]

DEAN: Back to your bed! At once!

OLIVER: Torment me no longer. I have seen the Wand!

DEAN: There's no wand here.

OLIVER: I have seen it! I have seen it!
[clank - Oliver opens a door and rushes through it]
I have seen--
[Many half-nekkid Hogwarts boys look up at the handsome night and smile at him]

BOYS: Hello.

OLIVER: Oh.

BOYS: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.

OLIVER: Fred! [Oliver rushes over to 'Fred' as he enters the room]

GEORGE: No, I am Fred's identical twin brother, George.

OLIVER: Oh, well, excuse me, I--

GEORGE: Where are you going?

OLIVER: I seek the Wand! I have seen it, here in this castle! [Oliver is getting panicked]

GEORGE: Oh, no. Oh, no! Bad, bad Fred!

OLIVER: Well, what is it?

GEORGE: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Fred! He has been setting alight to our beacon, which, I have just remembered, is wand-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem. [George shakes his head]

OLIVER: It's not the real Wand?

GEORGE: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Fred! He is a bad person and must pay the penalty! Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were so worried when the girls were writing it, but now, we're glad. It's better than some of the previous scenes, I think.

LEFT HEAD: At least ours was better visually.

CRABBE: Well, at least ours was committed. It wasn't just a string of cock jokes.

OLD MAN MOODY: Get on with it.

SEVERUS THE ENCHANTER: Yes, get on with it!

ARMY OF KNIGHTS: Yes, get on with it!

GEORGE: Oh, I am enjoying this scene.

ALBUS: Get on with it!

GEORGE: [sigh]
[clunk]
Oh, wicked, wicked Fred. Oh, he is a naughty person and he must pay the penalty, and here in Castle Bubotupor Pus, we have but one punishment for setting alight the wand-shaped beacon: you must tie him down on a bed and spank him.

BOYS: A spanking! A spanking! [They all bounce in joy]

GEORGE: You must spank him well, and after you have spanked him, you may deal with him as you like, and then, spank me.

AMAZING: And spank me.

STUNNER: And me.

LOVELY: And me.

GEORGE: Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!

BOYS: A spanking! A spanking! There is going to be a spanking tonight!

GEORGE: And after the spanking, the oral sex.

BOYS: The oral sex! The oral sex!

OLIVER: Well, I could stay a bit longer.

[Sir Percy suddenly charges through the door with his wand drawn and ready to curse.]

PERCY: Sir Oliver!

OLIVER: Oh, hello.

PERCY: Quick!

[Sir Percy tries to drag Sir Oliver with him while he threatens the boys]

OLIVER: What?

PERCY: Quick!

OLIVER: Why?

PERCY: You are in great peril!

GEORGE: No, he isn't.

[George moves closer to Sir Percy and Sir Oliver]

PERCY: Silence, foul tempter!

OLIVER: You know, he's got a point.

[Sir Oliver looks from George to Sir Percy]

PERCY: Come on! We will cover your escape!

[Sir Percy drags again]

OLIVER: Look, I'm fine! [Oliver refuses to follow]

PERCY: Come on!

BOYS: Sir Oliver!

OLIVER: No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!

GEORGE: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!

BOYS: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!

PERCY: No, Sir Oliver. Come on! [Percy drags away Oliver]

OLIVER: No! Really! Honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily.

GEORGE: Oh, yes. Let him handle us easily.

BOYS: Yes. Let him handle us easily.

PERCY: No. Quick! Quick!

OLIVER: Please! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred-and-fifty of them!

GEORGE: Yes! Yes, he will beat us easily! We haven't a chance.

BOYS: We haven't a chance. He will beat us easily...

[boom]
[The big door shuts behind Sir Percy and Sir Oliver]

GEORGE: Oh, shit.

[Sir Percy and Sir Oliver ‘ride’ away from Castle Butotupor Pus. Percy is happy to have rescued Oliver, but Oliver is rather disappointed]

PERCY: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.

OLIVER: I don't think I was.

PERCY: Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.

OLIVER: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.

PERCY: No, it's too perilous.

OLIVER: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.

PERCY: No, we've got to find the Holy Wand. Come on!

OLIVER: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?

PERCY: No. It's unhealthy.

OLIVER: I bet you're straight.

PERCY: No, I'm not.

[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<font size?>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

Cartoon

CARTOON HUFFLEPUFFS: [chanting and walking in single-file] Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
CARTOON HUFFLEPUFF: Heh heh heeh ooh...
[twang – A hufflepuff walks onto a plank over a lake ]
CARTOON HUFFLEPUFFS: [chanting] Pie Iesu domine,...
CARTOON HUFFLEPUFF: Wayy!
[splash - the Hufflepuff just jumped on the plank and disappeared into the deep waters]
Ho ho. Woa, wayy!
[twang - another Hufflepuff]
[splash]
Heh heh heh heh ho! Heh heh heh!
CARTOON HUFFLEPUFFS: [chanting] ...dona eis requiem.
CARTOON HUFFLEPUFF: Wayy!
[twang - yet another is lost to the Giant Squid]
Wayy!
[twang - and another (are they bloody daft???)]
VOICE: [whispering] Forgive me, for I have sinned.
CARTOON CHARACTER: Oh! Oooo.

<lj-cut text=Do you think there will be any Hufflepuffs left?>

SCENE 11

[trumpets]
NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Oliver.
[boom - Sir Oliver is fighting his way through malicious undergrowth, slashing away at bushes and small trees]
[wind]
[howl]
[howl]
[boom]
[angels singing - Sir Oliver sees the Holy Wand on top of a large castle. He begins to move towards the castle]
[howl]
[boom]
[howl]
[boom]
[pound pound pound - Sir Oliver knocks imploringly on the heavy door]
OLIVER: Open the door! Open the door!
[pound pound pound]
In the name of King Harry, open the door!
[creak - the door opens]
[thump]
[creak - Sir Oliver goes inside]
[boom]
BOYS: Hello!

FRED: Welcome, gentle Sir Knight. Welcome to Castle Bubotupor Pus.

OLIVER: The Bubotupor Pus Castle?

FRED: Yes. Oh, it's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice and we will attend to your every, every need!

OLIVER: You are the keepers of the Holy Wand?

FRED: The what?

OLIVER: The Wand. It is here. [Sir Oliver looks frantically around]

FRED: Oh, but you are tired and you must rest awhile. Adrian! Mordechai!

ADRIAN and MORTECHAI: Yes, O Fred?

FRED: Prepare a bed for our guest.

ADRIAN and MORDECHAI: Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!...

FRED: Away! Away, varletesses. The beds here are warm and soft and very, very big.

OLIVER: Well, look, I-- I, uh--

FRED: What is your name, handsome knight? [Fred smiles innocently at Oliver, all the while he oggles the knights body]

OLIVER: 'Sir Oliver... the Chaste'.

FRED: Mine is 'Fred'. Just 'Fred'. Oh, but come.

OLIVER: Look, please! In God's name, show me the Wand!

FRED: Oh, you have suffered much. You are delirious.

OLIVER: No, look. I have seen it! It is here in this--

FRED: Sir Oliver! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.

OLIVER: Well, I-- I, uh-- [Oliver is lead to a large bed by Fred]

FRED: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life: bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear and inventing wondrous charms. We are just not used to handsome knights. Nay. Nay. Come. Come. You may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!

OLIVER: No, no. It's-- it's nothing. [Oliver is pushed down on the bed]

FRED: Oh, you must see the medi-wizards immediately! No, no, please! Lie down.
[clap clap - Fred summons the 'medi-wizards']

DEAN: Well, what seems to be the trouble?

OLIVER: They're doctors?! [Oliver tries to get up, but can't]

FRED: Uh, they... have a basic medi-witch training, yes.

OLIVER: B-- but--

FRED: Oh, come. Come. You must try to rest. Doctor Dean! Doctor Neville! Practise your art.

NEVILLE: Try to relax. [Dean and Neville begin to remove Oliver's garments]

OLIVER: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary? [Oliver tries to stop them]

DEAN: We must examine you. [Dean bats Oliver's hand away and resumes undoing Oliver's leggings]

OLIVER: There's nothing wrong with that! [Oliver puts a shield over his leggings and glares]

DEAN: Please. We are medi-wizards.

OLIVER: Look! This cannot be. I am sworn to chastity. [Oliver jumps out of the bed]

DEAN: Back to your bed! At once!

OLIVER: Torment me no longer. I have seen the Wand!

DEAN: There's no wand here.

OLIVER: I have seen it! I have seen it!
[clank - Oliver opens a door and rushes through it]
I have seen--
[Many half-nekkid Hogwarts boys look up at the handsome night and smile at him]

BOYS: Hello.

OLIVER: Oh.

BOYS: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.

OLIVER: Fred! [Oliver rushes over to 'Fred' as he enters the room]

GEORGE: No, I am Fred's identical twin brother, George.

OLIVER: Oh, well, excuse me, I--

GEORGE: Where are you going?

OLIVER: I seek the Wand! I have seen it, here in this castle! [Oliver is getting panicked]

GEORGE: Oh, no. Oh, no! Bad, bad Fred!

OLIVER: Well, what is it?

GEORGE: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Fred! He has been setting alight to our beacon, which, I have just remembered, is wand-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem. [George shakes his head]

OLIVER: It's not the real Wand?

GEORGE: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Fred! He is a bad person and must pay the penalty! Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were so worried when the girls were writing it, but now, we're glad. It's better than some of the previous scenes, I think.

LEFT HEAD: At least ours was better visually.

CRABBE: Well, at least ours was committed. It wasn't just a string of cock jokes.

OLD MAN MOODY: Get on with it.

SEVERUS THE ENCHANTER: Yes, get on with it!

ARMY OF KNIGHTS: Yes, get on with it!

GEORGE: Oh, I am enjoying this scene.

ALBUS: Get on with it!

GEORGE: [sigh]
[clunk]
Oh, wicked, wicked Fred. Oh, he is a naughty person and he must pay the penalty, and here in Castle Bubotupor Pus, we have but one punishment for setting alight the wand-shaped beacon: you must tie him down on a bed and spank him.

BOYS: A spanking! A spanking! [They all bounce in joy]

GEORGE: You must spank him well, and after you have spanked him, you may deal with him as you like, and then, spank me.

AMAZING: And spank me.

STUNNER: And me.

LOVELY: And me.

GEORGE: Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!

BOYS: A spanking! A spanking! There is going to be a spanking tonight!

GEORGE: And after the spanking, the oral sex.

BOYS: The oral sex! The oral sex!

OLIVER: Well, I could stay a bit longer.

[Sir Percy suddenly charges through the door with his wand drawn and ready to curse.]

PERCY: Sir Oliver!

OLIVER: Oh, hello.

PERCY: Quick!

[Sir Percy tries to drag Sir Oliver with him while he threatens the boys]

OLIVER: What?

PERCY: Quick!

OLIVER: Why?

PERCY: You are in great peril!

GEORGE: No, he isn't.

[George moves closer to Sir Percy and Sir Oliver]

PERCY: Silence, foul tempter!

OLIVER: You know, he's got a point.

[Sir Oliver looks from George to Sir Percy]

PERCY: Come on! We will cover your escape!

[Sir Percy drags again]

OLIVER: Look, I'm fine! [Oliver refuses to follow]

PERCY: Come on!

BOYS: Sir Oliver!

OLIVER: No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!

GEORGE: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!

BOYS: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!

PERCY: No, Sir Oliver. Come on! [Percy drags away Oliver]

OLIVER: No! Really! Honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily.

GEORGE: Oh, yes. Let him handle us easily.

BOYS: Yes. Let him handle us easily.

PERCY: No. Quick! Quick!

OLIVER: Please! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred-and-fifty of them!

GEORGE: Yes! Yes, he will beat us easily! We haven't a chance.

BOYS: We haven't a chance. He will beat us easily...

[boom]
[The big door shuts behind Sir Percy and Sir Oliver]

GEORGE: Oh, shit.

[Sir Percy and Sir Oliver ‘ride’ away from Castle Butotupor Pus. Percy is happy to have rescued Oliver, but Oliver is rather disappointed]

PERCY: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.

OLIVER: I don't think I was.

PERCY: Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.

OLIVER: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.

PERCY: No, it's too perilous.

OLIVER: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.

PERCY: No, we've got to find the Holy Wand. Come on!

OLIVER: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?

PERCY: No. It's unhealthy.

OLIVER: I bet you're straight.

PERCY: No, I'm not.

<font size?="+2">Narrative Interlude</font>

NARRATOR: Sir Percy had saved Sir Oliver from almost certain temptation, but they were still no nearer the Wand. Meanwhile, King Harry and Sir Hermoine (whisper: lady Hermione) ehmmm… Lady Hermoine, not more than a snitch's flight away, had discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen snitch's flight, obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden snitches' flights away-- four, really, if they had a quaffle on a line between them. I mean, if the snitches were walking and dragging--

CROWD: Get on with it!

NARRATOR: Oh, anyway. On to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which Harry discovers a vital clue, and in which there aren't any snitches, although I think you can hear a dragon... oooh!

***************************************************

I'm very sorry for not posting anymore for such a long time. I solemnly promise to do better.

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