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Setting: Sir Ronald and his Minstrels enter a nice and green forest. The minstrels are very nice, playing and singing of their Master's bravery and...errr...entrails?

[trumpets play a pompous tune]

NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Ronald. So, each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Ronald rode north, through the dark forbidden forest, accompanied by his favourite minstrels.

MINSTREL: [singing merrily] Bravely bold Sir Ronald rode forth from Hogwarts.
He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Ronald.
He was not at all afraid to be hexed in nasty ways,
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Ronald!

He was not in the least bit scared to be cursed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gorged out and his elbows broken,
To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away
And his limbs all jinxed and mangled, brave Sir Ronald!
His head shrunk in and his heart cut out
And his liver ergorged and his bowels unplugged
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off
And his pen--

SIR RONALD: That's-- that's, uh-- that's enough music for now, lads. Heh. Looks like there's dirty work afoot.

CRABBE: Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.

GOYLE: Oh, Crabbe, forget about freedom. And don’t drop that cupcake!.

FLUFFY’S HEADS: Woof! Who art thou?

MINSTREL: [singing] He is brave Sir Ronald, brave Sir Ronald, who--

RONALD: Shut up! Um, n-- n-- n-- nobody, really. I'm j-- j-- j-- ju-- just, um-- just passing through.

FLUFFY’S HEADS: What do you want?

MINSTREL: [singing] To fight and--

RONALD: Shut up! Um, oo, a-- nothing. Nothing, really. I, uh-- j-- j-- just-- just to, um-- just to p-- pass through, good Sir Knight.

FLUFFY’S HEADS: I'm afraid not!

RONALD: Ah. W-- well, actually I-- I am a Knight of the Sorting Hat.

FLUFFY’S HEADS: You're a Knight of the Sorting Hat?


LEFT HEAD: In that case, I shall have to eat you.


RIGHT HEAD: Oh, I don't think so.

MIDDLE HEAD: Well, what do I think?

LEFT HEAD: I think eat him.

RIGHT HEAD: Oh, let's be nice to him.

LEFT HEAD: Oh, shut up.

RONALD: Perhaps I could--

LEFT HEAD: And you. Oh, quick! Get the teeth out. I want to bite his head off!

RIGHT HEAD: Oh, bite your own head off!

MIDDLE HEAD: Yes, do us all a favour!


RIGHT HEAD: Yapping on and drooling all the time.

MIDDLE HEAD: You're lucky. You're not next to him.

LEFT HEAD: What do you mean?

MIDDLE HEAD: You snore!

LEFT HEAD: Oh, I don't. Anyway, you've got bad breath.

MIDDLE HEAD: Well, it's only because you don't brush my teeth.

RIGHT HEAD: Oh, stop bitching and let's go have tea.

LEFT HEAD: Oh, all right. All right. All right. We'll eat him first and then have tea and dog biscuits.


RIGHT HEAD: Oh, not biscuits.

LEFT HEAD: All right. All right, not dog biscuits, but let's eat him anyway.


MIDDLE HEAD: He buggered off.

RIGHT HEAD: So he has. He's scarpered.

[While the Tree-headed Dog argued with itself, Sir Robin sneaked out of the clearing]

MINSTREL: [singing] Brave Sir Ronald ran away,


MINSTREL: [singing] Bravely ran away, away.

RONALD: I didn't!

MINSTREL: [singing] When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.


MINSTREL: [singing] Yes, brave Sir Ronald turned about

RONALD: I didn't!

MINSTREL: [singing] And gallantly, he chickened out. Bravely taking to his feet,

RONALD: I never did!

MINSTREL: [singing] He beat a very brave retreat,

RONALD: All lies!

MINSTREL: [singing] Bravest of the brave, Sir Ronald.

RONALD: I never!

[The company slowly disappears into the forest, the minstrel’s singing frequently interrupted by Sir Robin’s denials.]


Now, those minstrels, they are really getting on my nerves! Teasing poor Ronikins like that, that is just plain nasty and mean. I don't like them!

BURN THEM! BURN THEM! BURN THEM! - does anyone have any ketchup???


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February 2017

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